The Stupid Chronicles

I'm back! Only, not...

2005-06-16T13:51:00.000-06:00

No posts in over a month, wow. Some of you must be terribly depressed right around now...

Well, for those of you who don't follow the largely asinine ramblings that my forums consist of, I'm leaving blogspot for a better place... A place to call my own! A place of freedom! A place where the servers never go down and posting errors are legends of old!

A place that I have to pay actual money for.

Yep, I'm moving. Blogspot has been alright, but there's a lot of little things I don't especially care for and I'd like to have some server space of my own anyways. So I'll fork out around $39 a year for a real domain name, 250 mb of server space, and 10 gigs of bandwidth per month. Not a bad deal, I say.

And rather than being one of those asses who posts "hey, I'm moving!" two or three months before they actually do anything, I opted to get everything set up and THEN announce it (on the main page, anyways). So, all my posts are on the new site along with all the comments (praise Jesus for Wordpress hacks; most of the comments here are absolutely priceless).

Well, that does it I suppose. Good riddance blogspot, and hello...

www.stupidchronicles.com

Heil Das Hat Nazi!

2005-05-15T21:50:00.000-06:00

This is easily my longest post ever, so kick back and enjoy. Unless you're part of the school administration, in which case I ask you to consider the following. By no means am I alone in these thoughts...

My school is slowly being taken over by people who, in all fairness, probably aren't aware that the 1950's have ended.

First of all, the kids who piss and moan about school rules, the staff, etc. for no real reason other than they're the ones with power are quite annoying. You know, the kids that scream oppression when they turn in a paper 2 days late... I'm not one of those. In fact, up until this year I've never had any sort of problem with our administration. Alas, all that changed around mid-August.

Now, I realize that prior to this year our principal had been pretty lax with rules but we'd also never had any problems. Fights? Few and far between. Problematic students that needed to be dealt with? Not many. Shootings? Nope (though it's ludicrous how easy that would be). However, we received a new principal this year and while none of the above have changed, it’s been a bit harder for the good students to go about their daily business. So let's start at the beginning...

August, a month prior to the beginning of school. A newsletter is sent out with the following:
"No student will be allowed to drive off campus during school hours."

The greatest part to this is the obvious loophole it creates which is, well, not parking on campus. It's ridiculous all the same, though. This was some hair-brained attempt to get students to stop cruising around at lunch, and that's all it was. But why not do something logical like, oh, I dunno... Telling one of our four cops to take a break from fighting back the torrent of criminal activity that occurs in the metropolis of Troy, MT, for 20 minutes a day and park in the middle of town so people hell-bent on wasting gas could be pulled over when/if somebody had a complaint about their parking lot being used as a turning point. It's almost as if they looked at all the ways to approach this problem, saw the one that was most likely to piss even more people off, and proudly pounced upon it.

What's more is that next year, my senior year, they've decided to make it a closed campus. There's no logic behind this either as far as I can tell. There was a loophole in the initial rule, and I do hope they weren't expecting students not to exploit it, as I'd like to think those running the school aren't complete morons. One reason anybody in a position of authority has mentioned to me for doing it is that they'd like to avoid any sort of lawsuit. You know, the kind where the student who's barely smart enough to pass 8th grade English crashes into a telephone pole and breaks their face, causing an irate and equally dim parent to sue the school.

And here's why that's a complete load of bullshit: Let's say they institute some sort of policy where you can't even go outside and must eat lunch in a cafeteria (and sadly, that's probably going to happen). I could trip coming down the stairs into the room, break my arm, and sue the school because there was no warning sign saying "caution, steep steps". Look, a woman managed to sue McDonalds because her coffee was hot when she spilled it on herself, you think I couldn't sue you for anything equally dumb?

Our neighboring town has several schools much larger than our own, yet they don't have a closed campus, as is evident by the psychotic driving at their lunch hour. If lawsuits are really a problem, why aren't they scared? And that's another thing, I'd love to know where all this reckless driving is occurring that warrants it being restricted. If it's so bad, why haven't any students been arrested/warned in town during break? Oooh, that's right! Our cops are either off fighting terrorism or simply not seeing it. And when you're not seeing it in a town as small as ours, then it can't be a very pressing issue.

My point is, you can be sued for anything, and outlawing my right to not eat what the school considers food in order to prevent it is absolute idiocy.

The other reason I've heard is to discourage "the drug problem". This is outright laughable. Come on, closing campus at lunch hour to stop drug use is just as futile as making actual laws against using them. I'll quote a friend of mine, who put it best:

"Rather than having a minority of students doing drugs and a majority of people happy at lunch hour, you're going to have a minority of students doing drugs and a majority of people pissed off at lunch because they can't go outside."

People are going to continue, the difference is, they'll be doing it in between class and in the bathroom far more often. Maybe we should outlaw bathroom breaks while we're at it. Hey, there's an idea! Not only would that solve the problem of hall wandering, it'd put a lot of students in a state of absolute torture for most of a block! A win-win situation!

While I'm on the subject of lunch break (given this is the only point of the day to relax at school, I find it rather important), I'll mention the other idea they have. Stagger all the grades' breaks. I'm not sure if this is a part of the closed campus policy or an alternative, but either way... It makes me wonder if the fine citizens on our school board attended a public school or have even the most rudimentary understanding of social activity. What if somebody in the sophomore class has friends mostly in the junior class? Hmm, guess their lunch is going to be one of stolid silence if they consider their classmates uninteresting and/or too stupid to talk to. And if you think that's rare, you need to be smacked around with a large trout. But who cares? It's their problem, not yours. I mean, we already love going to school, so sucking all the little joys out of it just fine.

Oh, and let's not forget the profit loss for businesses around town. The store's deli already lost a bunch this year with the semi-restrictions on driving, Eats & Treats probably makes most of their money off students so they may go down the toilet, and Town Pump, despite being happy with Jr. High having a closed-campus since it solved a lot of theft problems, might miss the shitload of kids they DO get at lunch that aren't stealing.

That's right, let's fuck over some of the community while we're at it. Tough luck for them. Things are clearly waaaaaaaaaaay out of hand right now regarding the students of THS. I mean, just look at it! The violence! The chaos! The rioting! Lions, tigers, bears, Oh my! Law must be enforced! Restrictions made! Birthdays taken away!

I'm sure somebody along the chain of command (I love associating military terms with our administration; it's so appropriate) thinks lunch is solely for eating and we shouldn't worry about it that much. Sure, and the only reason people play video games is to get a high score! They're completely missing the point. It's a time to socialize free of the restrictions held in classrooms, and I personally like to enjoy it. And sadly, my definition of enjoyment is not being sat in a cafeteria for half an hour. We dealt with that in elementary. What's next, recess?

It's good to know the same people who were probably picked on in high school and generally laughed at throughout their childhood are making ends meet by power tripping later on in life...

And then there are the hats. Oh boy, the hats. If you have any sort of object on your head, short of headgear necessary for breathing, it has to be off within a nanosecond of entering the school or it will be ripped from your grasp. Don't believe it could be that big a deal? Here's a fun story: One day a friend of mine entered a hall way with a camera on it. Apparently our principal doesn't have anything better to do than stare at camera monitors all day, but anyways... As he's walking, a teacher in a nearby classroom gets a call from The Man, receives directions to the kid in question, and orders him to remove his hat.

Ok, there's a rule against it, I understand that, and furthermore I know teachers like to be able to see their students' faces clearly while in the classroom. But for crying out loud, how is wearing a hat in the HALLWAY so disrespectful that you actually have to sit in front of a monitor, rather than doing something constructive like making more nit-picky rules, and watch closely for it? It's like his very existence hinges on smashing any tiny bit of insubordination, however unintentional, with an iron fist.

We have also recently been issued a new dress code (which I guess "officially" goes into effect next year). The lot of it is nothing new: No vulgar/offensive shirts, gang signs (that's right, no representin' da hood out hurr in T-MT), etc. They did come up with a mildly decent one, though, which is you can no longer show your midriff. Now, granted, this does solve the problem of the hideously large people with denial issues parading around in shirts that show off their lower rolls, but it would've been cooler if they instituted some sort of weight restriction. "320 lbs? 5' 3"? Put on a fucking parka!"

There are two new rules, however, that seem more like a means to end personal annoyances than to actually solve anything. Number one: "Hair must be worn in a way that is not disruptive to the school environment." Disruptive to the school environment? HAIR? Not once, in the entirety of my education, have I ever been distracted by somebody's hair color or style and I dare you to find one student without A.D.D who HAS been so bothered by it that they were unable to accomplish anything.

The other new one is just plain silly: "No sunglasses in the school buildings." What the fuck? Ok, there's a couple of people who do this, and yes, they're morons for it. I for one openly mock them. But what exactly is being disrupted while you have them on in the hall? You know, it's for this same reason that there shouldn't be safety instructions on hot coffee, plastic bags, and lighters. If you can't figure out the most basic things regarding your own well-being, life should be allowed to boot you out the door.

I ask you, how much thought do you think they give our opinions when they're making rules against, of all things, hair and sunglasses?

And then there's the man himself. I'll refrain from personal judgments since I don't actually know him, but I do have some lovely anecdotes. For example, during our mandatory first-day-of-the-year assembly, he starts talking about the new rule regarding driving, and then says this: "I know you think you've discovered a loop hole, but let me just say this: Every action... Has a reaction." OoOh, you've struck fear into my heart, and with subtle intimidations like that, you'll have the school whipped into shape in no time! I'm glad I got to hear that, because boy, I'd never thought about consequences before and I know most people 16 years or older haven't either!

He uttered another piece of gold at the first semester academic awards assembly. As typical of any assembly involving teenagers, there's a solid portion that would rather be asleep. So at the end, he walks up front and says, "Part of what I do here is observe. I like to observe you students. And watching you just now, I made the observation that the ones who aren't clapping, are the ones who aren't getting the awards... Just think about that." Brilliant 'observation' sir, if I do say so myself! And I'm quite sure that the ones who could care less about what's going on are going to spend the rest of the day pondering your stunning conclusion!

The Man does enjoy observing us though. Very much so. One day at lunch myself and about three other people were standing in a group, when one looked up to his office. He turned back to us to say, "He's got his binoculars out again." After getting over the word "again" being in there, I looked and sure enough, there's our principal in his office window across the parking lot "observing" us. We waved courteously. Good lord, what's next? Bugging the hallways and bathrooms?

And then there's the time he announced over the PA system our girl's basketball team's victory, saying they just "defeated and beat" their opponent. Well, I'm certainly glad we did that! Had we just defeated them, and not beaten them as well, things may have gone horribly wrong!

What speaks volumes about the rule changes is the fact that the average student has a better idea about the condition of the school, rather than the asshat in charge who has little/no actual interactions with us (and interaction is not a free gift you get with binoculars). All these restrictions and rules aren't making the administration look tough like they seem to be hoping, rather, it's making them look pathetically easy to frighten.

Obviously a school couldn't function without rules, but where things so bad in 2003-2004 that it warrants these sort of changes? Nobody I know thinks so... And what would we know? We're not here for eight hours a day talking to each other, walking the halls, hearing about everybody else's problems...

But what's the point in speaking my mind on this? Indeed, what's the point of any student speaking out against the rules? Why should they listen to us? Clearly they know best; they're adults trapped in a small town with sadly low-paying jobs...

We can voice our opinions all we want, collect signatures, yell, scream, protest, but it's useless in the end if those in charge are incapable of listening. And it seems as though they've already dismissed our thoughts as insignificant: Nobody is asking what the students think, nor is anybody making a great deal of effort to explain what is to happen next year while there's still time for us to speak out in some meaningful way. It seems like they want to sweep it under the rug and keep it quiet until next year, where they'll spring it on us the first day and say, "Ha, you LOSE!" I'm sure they know once these rules go into effect they become much harder to change, but it's a good thing most of the students don't...

Do I think students should govern themselves? Holy hell, absolutely not. But we should have some say on what's fair and what isn't. I'm sure they'll read this sooner or later, so I'd love for them to refute any of the above without cowering behind the idea that "we're older and we're right" like most of the adults around here.

We can think, but I have my doubts that they can listen.

If ignorance is bliss, welcome to paradise

2005-05-05T20:24:00.000-06:00

It's become rather apparent to me that the average local of my area, while not being aptly named Bubba or Fred, lacks the reasoning skills that we're led to believe define humanity. To demonstrate this, I'll present issues that are pressing to us all through the eyes of Bob. Think of him as a representation of Northwest Montana: Dense, racist, and quick to anger.

Ethnicity:

Few places in the United States are whiter than Montana, and we're damn proud of it! There ain't no damn niggers up here and if there were, I'd shoot 'em!

Really?

Well-Yeah! Of course! I may not know too many* "colored folk", but dammit, they all steal! I've seen it! I watch Cops, you know. Always the blacks. And if it's not them, it's those damn Mexicans! I swear, when they aren't stealing your wallet, they ain't speakin' English. You're in America! We're an English speakin' nation, and have been ever since we killed all the natives!

*= Exactly zero.

Religion:

Anyone who believes in Jesus is alright. Well, almost. Except those damn Jews. We should burn them, all of them.

Why?

Because! They're bad!

Don't tell me. They're trying to take over the world...

What are you yammerin' on about? They're just bad, plain and simple! South Park says so!

Political alignment:

Stupid gay liberals!

What's wrong with liberals?

They're... Gay! Always prancing around for gay rights this, pro-choice that, it's sick. They clearly haven't read the bible. Stupid fags.

Sexuality:

If you're not heterosexual, you should fall into a fiery chasm of dooooom!!

Why?

Because, being gay is wrong.

How's that?

Um.... Well, because it's not productive to the human race!

Neither is mudding.

Yeah, but that's for recreation!

What do you think gay sex is? A joint effort to change human anatomy?

Well, um...

And furthermore, how does another's sexuality affect you in any direct way? What are they gonna do, touch you and get gay cooties all over you?

The bible says it's wrong, so there!

*Bob storms off in anger with a new found ire towards the better educated.*

These are all responses based on conversations I've either had or observed over the past year with students around my age. While this isn't everybody's thought process (there's a number of very intelligent people here), it's certainly the majority. And in case it isn't already exceedingly obvious, here's why this is pathetic:

1. 98% of the people in this town base their opinions of other races on hearsay. Going back to the slight anti-Semitism that surrounds me, I find it funny that none of the ones who claim to hate Jews are even vaguely aware of all the conspiracies surrounding the religion. You'd think at least one person would be able to pull out the "they control the media!" line or something to that effect, and at least then their idiocy would be sort of justifiable. Not so. It's just cool to hate the Jew I guess.

Alas, whether it's handed down to them by their parents or collected in their minds as a result of years of hanging out with white trash (who are such because of their parent's teachings, etc., etc.,), you can guarantee that at least 1 in 3 people you talk to in this town are racist for no other reason than simple stereotypes and fear. That's right: Fear. This is incredibly obvious by the fact that as soon as they see a black or Hispanic person they shut up and wait until they leave to say something. "Oooh, we should line them all up and shoot 'em!" But only when they're not expecting it! Least they put up a fight...

Hell, at least back in the '60s white people actually expressed their feelings about race rather than being pansies about it.

2. Questioning your own logic is out of the picture. "Why do I think like this? Because I do and it's right!" I think there's an actual mental block in these people that either needs to be surgically removed or bashed out with a blunt object. Question their reasoning, and they switch gears to spout off angrily at you, like some five year old who's pissed you caught him stealing cookies.

3. The whole human race seems to fall into two categories: Liberal and conservative. This is the most interesting part for me: Ask one of these fine people why liberals are bad and they give you this incredulous look, accompanied by something like "WHY?! Because they're all flaming homosexuals and all they do is whine like 'OoOoh, we should make everybody happy!'"

It's an astounding display of ignorance. I'd pity them, thinking "Well, they don't know any better," but then I realize that by now they should know better. It's like the moronic kids in class who can't grasp what's going on, so they sit back and make fun of everything, not realizing that sensible people don't think they're cool or rebellious. Just that they're raging idiots who will, inevitably, marry a cousin one day.

And thus the cycle repeats...

A strange day indeed.

2005-04-20T15:10:00.000-06:00

So it's 4/20. Yes, that day when all the local pot-heads get excited because "duuude," *giggle*, "It's international pot-smoking day. Riiiight on..."

Also today:

2005: Pope Benedict XVI is announced to be John Paul's successor. Heil Deutschland!

1889: Hitler was born. A bit of violence occurred thereafter.

And the main reason for this update, least any of you forget it:

1999: Two high school seniors decide to go on a rampage at their school, killing 12 students, 1 teacher, and wounding 21 others. Given the amount of ammo and explosives they had, it's a small wonder so few died.

It should be noted that, although they were obsessed with Hitler and Nazi Germany, the attack was originally planned for the 19th (which is the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing). But my understanding is one of them couldn't get one of the guns (a tech nine) until that same day, so it would have to be put off. It's also fun to note, for those that try to blame certain aspects of society for the incident, that nobody has really been able to prove they liked Marilyn Manson. One of the shooters frequently quoted KMFDM lyrics on his webpage, but that's about it. And one of them made maps for Doom. Ooooh....

So there you have it: Quoting KMFDM and making FPS maps will turn you into a killer. Hell, I have 2 KMFDM cds, love playing FPSs, and frequent ogrish to boot. Better watch out!

An incident like this will happen again, I guarantee it. The fact that anyone could walk into my school and pull it off speaks to that. It'll be rural America, and far more than 13 will die.

One more reason to be thankful I'm graduating in a year.

The idiocy inherent in the system.

2005-04-14T19:45:00.000-06:00

In some countries, they still hold public executions so the rest of their society will hopefully learn a lesson. Think of the following as the text equivalent.

Just when I think the comments under my suicide rant are as logically-deprived as you can get, I find this gem under the "Happy Easter!" post:

"That pisses me off soooooo much. I don't even know what to say to that. I can't put it into words. The picture isn't even funny, although other fellow ths students think it is. All i know is that it is bullshit and u shouldn't even have posted it."

Oh, but it gets better. After some brief words about their being mentally incapacitated and how Christianity in general is comedic (go to the post if you want the actual comment), the following is posted:

"Hey, all i was doing was posting my comment, so don't be saying anthing to me about it, because you are doing the exact same thing."

So, let's start at the beginning:

"The picture isn't even funny, although other fellow ths students think it is."

Humor is entirely subjective you dolt. What you find funny and unfunny is not a "truth", it's an opinion.

"All i know is that it is bullshit and u shouldn't even have posted it."

I shouldn't have posted it? Let's break this down:

www.stupidchronicles.blogspot.com = Mine.
www.stupidcrhonicles.blogspot.com = Not yours.

I'll do and write whatever I damn well please here. And as to it being bullshit: Ok, you're right: Snickers bars did not exist at that period in time and saying otherwise is clearly a crime against humanity. However, if Snickers bars HAD existed in 32 AD or whenever, I personally think Jesus would've enjoyed one. Not only would it have eased his hunger, but it would also have taken his mind off the pain for a bit. He'd need something to wash it down as well though, perhaps a coke- Nay, a Sprite! Yes, that's it, a Sprite for Jesus!

Moving on:

"Hey, all i was doing was posting my comment,"

Neat, and all I was doing was responding! It's great to know we both realize exactly what we're doing at any given moment in time isn't it? I'm also just sitting here typing. Whee!

"so don't be saying anthing to me about it, because you are doing the exact same thing."

No, you're commenting on my post. I'm responding to your comment. Anyone smart enough to comprehend what quoting is would understand the difference. Since you clearly haven't reached such a point of high intelligence, allow me to elaborate:

If we were doing the "exact same thing", I would've posted something like "Man, that post was hilarious!" since that would be stating my opinion, just as you did with all the eloquence of a duck trying to fly with one wing.

You know what I enjoy most about running this site? Comments like that. Because rather than making me angry, they make me laugh rather hard. I find it amazing how some of the people who have been to this site

A) Can't construct a logical argument against any of my posts because hell, even I can do it.
B) Can't type. Seriously, do they just whack you on the head repeatedly with a hammer in elementary school now instead of giving you a typing class?
C) Take everything here deeply serious. For crying out loud, I have religious friends who have read this site, seen that picture and the lyrics following it, and remained un-offended. Then again, they're not morons...

So keep fueling the fire. I'll be here, loving every second of it.

We'll drag your halo through the mud...

2005-04-03T21:40:00.000-06:00

After enduring a good couple weeks of the media's death watch, the Pope ran out of juice yesterday.

Wow: The Pope, Terri Shiavo, and Johnny Cochran. All gone in one week.

There's a joke in there somewhere, damn it, I know there is...

"Hook...Line... twitch And Sinker."

2005-04-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

Owned #1
"I'm so pissed at you" - Keith
"Why?" - Me
"That post you made!"
"Oh"
"Sellout!" *snaps me with keychain*
"Nah, I've had it."
"You can't!"
"I can do whatever I want, bud."
"That's such a stupid reason though, come on! You have to admit!"
"Mm..."
"And you can't shut down the forum!"
"Why not?"
"I live there! You're basically letting yourself get owned by an 8th grader. Come on."
"Sorry dude, it's over."

Owned #2
Think about this: if people take everything you say so serious so as to distort your image, are those really people you need to be worried about?

If they can't distinguish between actual hate and humorous exaggeration, then it's really not worth spending your time trying to please them by shutting down a good site like this (in my opinion).

I'm sure you've made up your mind about this already, but I thought I'd post my thoughts anyway.

- Mike

Owned #3
so y did u shut down ur site? could it be that u really do care what i say and think? perhaps u do care that u hurt me...maybe not. Maybe i was wrong. Maybe ur not a heartless bastard. Maybe u r. i dunno

I never wanted u to completly shut the site down. I just wanted u 2 never write anything about sam again.

-Small(est) Kampfe

Owned #4
Hey Chris if you ever read this again I just want you to know that I am sorry for making such a big deal about the suicide story. I don't think you should stop writing stories on here...I think that you are a great writer and probably shouldn't let something like that from writing. And I still don't know exactly who you are but ohh well..I have a question. Can I have you e-mail thought?

- Angelique

Man, I had no idea how hard is to write amid my own full on laughter until right this very instant...

April Fools!

And there were hints: Look very closely at the apostrophe in "I'm" on the last paragraph. See where that takes you. And, less subtlely, the title of the post is a quote from Tool ("Hush") which I found fitting, given that's what I've made you lot out to be.

Every last sentence (almost anyways) of the previous post was complete lies. Well constructed and set up lies, mind you, but lies none the less. I'm not sure what's more sad: That I spent the last two weeks planning that post, or that it actually worked! The fact that I actually was sick Thursday just made it all the more believable I think (and no, I don't have work Sunday nor am I going anywhere today).

The only people who were "hurt" by the suicide post (which, by the way, you need to all move on from since I posted it four fucking months ago) were the ones who didn't/couldn't grasp the point. Although, judging by the direction of the comments and Ben's help at illustrating the point much better, I think it may have "clicked" for a few of you small folk.

And hate mongering? Ha! What you people get out of this site is up to you. I write here for recreation, not to stir up emotions in the all of five people I know of that read this regularly.

My only minor quibble is the date on that post is incorrect. Blogspot dates things by whenever you saved the draft, and since I worked on it some thursday night, it says "March 31", though it wasn't posted until April 1rst.

To Keith:

I knew you would be in the store last night at some point, and I figured it'd go one of two ways: "You're such a liar! No way," or "You're serious?!" Either way, I expected you to at least question it, so you can imagine my surprise (and the subsequent 5 minutes of solid laughter in the back room after you left) when you didn't. And after you said the line "that's such a dumb reason!", I almost burst out laughing at the irony right there. It is! No way in HELL am I shutting this place down because of what someone thinks of it. The only thing shutting this site down is legal action, and I think I can avoid that well enough.

To small(est) kampfe:

I care more about the migrating patterns of unladen African swallows than about what you, or any of your friends, think about either that post or the rest of the site. However, it's fun to see (especially in the comments section) the point of the post being beaten over your head, and you still sticking to the same irrelevent lines.

And short of "sam" doing something ridiculously stupid in the future that makes national headlines (seeing as he doesn't live here anymore), I have no reason to write about him. Nor can I see any reason for you to think I would do so otherwise...

Aaand to Angelique:

Aww, thanks! It's nice to be appreciated, especially by all the little people! They get you the furthest in life, they really do (as stepping stools, but I digress). And as to who I am, well, look at the handle I use here, and then look for the single solitary person wearing a shirt at school containing 98% of it blazing across the front.

To be fair, the sources of the latter two responses here don't know me and wouldn't know a joke from me even if I made it exceedingly obvious. But Keith... Ha! PWND!

Good day.

I can't say what I want to, even if I'm just kidding!

2005-03-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

It's funny how when you start a site like this (especially like this, actually), you do it with the best intentions. My sole objective was just to poke fun at things I found stupid, but alas, when I get going on something it turns out quite mean and becomes rather hard to illustrate how I actually don't care much at all about the topic. And as a result, I've managed to hurt and anger quite a few people along the way.

So as of today, I give up. Stupid Chronicles will be updated no more after this post, and I'm shutting down the forum.

Why? Because I've discovered hatred breeds hatred. Back when I was pretty much the only one looking at this site, it was fine. I could sit back and do self-analyization. But then, one night I gave this site addy to a friend of mine... And that's where everything went to shit.

It's sad how whenever I post something mean here, people just jump on the bandwagon and agree without ever really thinking about it. It's like hate is the cool thing nowadays...

I've had enough of it. The people I offended with the suicide post are people that I'd ordinarily never dream of hurting, and to them, I apologize. It was an unwarranted act on my part to have written that, and I regret having done so. All the subsequent backtalk I gave in the comments section was a farce; I didn't mean any of it, and to be honest, I have no idea why I wrote it.

You're probably looking at the date right now and thinking "ha, he's joking." Yeah, I admit, the timing of this post is a bit odd. I meant to do it yesterday after having somewhat of an epiphany a couple nights ago, but I was sick and it literally hurt to sit up (one of those 24 hour things, thank God). And I'll be gone Saturday, and at work on Sunday night, so yeah... Just one of those unfortunately timed events. It's just a coincidence, and there's no way in hell I'm waiting until Monday so all you people can jump all over me the following day at school.

The only good thing to have ever come from this page was the post on Groff. And for that reason, I'll leave this site up.

So that pretty much covers it I guess. Hate mongering isn't something I ever wanted to or intended to do here. As I said in the forum, "this is just a caricature of myself". Sadly, people have begun to think this is the real me, and I've had enough of it. I'm not going to ruin my own good name through some damn blog.

Farewell all.

- Chris

Ding dong, the witch is dead!

2005-03-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

Terry Shiavo is no more.

Good. Maybe now the media will find something worthy of attention to cover in depth like, oh I dunno, the 8.7 quake in Indonesia that killed nearly 500 people. Wonder how many people in the country are aware of that as opposed to Shiavo's condition...

But we shouldn't care about natural disasters! Clearly a vegetable is more important. A white, American vegetable that is...

Happy Easter!

2005-03-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

"He had alot to say.
He had alot of nothing to say.
We'll miss him.
We'll miss him.

He had alot to say.
He had alot of nothing to say.
We'll miss him.
We're gonna miss him
We're gonna miss him

So long.
We wish you well.
You told us how you weren't afraid to die.
Well, so long.
Don't cry.
Or feel too down.
Not all martyrs see divinity.
But at least you tried.

Standing above the crowd,
He had a voice that was strong and loud.
We'll miss him.
We'll miss him.

Ranting and pointing his finger
At everything but his heart.
We'll miss him.
We'll miss him.
We're gonna miss him.
We're gonna miss him.

No way to recall
What it was that you had said to me,
Like I care at all.

But you were so loud.
You sure could yell.
Took a stand on every little thing
And so loud.

Standing above the crowd,
He had a voice that was strong and loud and I
Swallowed his facade 'cause I was so
Eager to identify with
Someone above the ground,
Someone who seemed to feel the same,
Someone prepared to lead the way, and
Someone who would die for me.

Will you? Will you now?
Would you die for me?
Don't you fuckin' lie.

Don't you step out of line.
Don't you step out of line.
Don't you step out of line.
Don't you fuckin lie.

You claimed all this time that you would die for me.
Why then are you so surprised when you hear your own
eulogy?

He had alot to say.
He had alot of nothing to say.
He had alot to say.
He had alot of nothing to say.

Come down.
Get off your fuckin' cross.
We need the fuckin' space
To nail the next fool martyr.

To ascend you must die.
You must be crucified
For our sins and our lies.
Goodbye!!!"

- "Eulogy", Tool.

Yeah, that was cheap but I had to. One of my favorite songs, and it's been stuck in my head all day along with Opiate.

Village Idiot(s)

2005-03-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile I skim through our local newspaper to look at either the sherriff's report (always nice to see former students taking great strides in their lives) or the opinions page. Normally, it's to view the latest and absolutely stunning masterpiece of paranoid rambling by the hitchiking, pothead twin of Santa Claus (Dan Waters). And while there was such a letter in the most recent issue of the paper, it was outdone by the following.

Now I'd be more than happy to reply to this in the paper, and I'm not quite sure if I will or not. My dad certainly doesn't need anymore crap from local dimwits, especially courtesy of his son. But this is almost too good to pass up.

Here's what's going on: A shooting range is being built up Southside Road, across the river from Kootenai Vista. It's a good... Oh, 2-3 miles straight from shore to the area, buried a bit in the mountains, quite a ways from being anywhere near the edge. Above a train track no less. Yet, some of the fine residents across the river think they'll be able to hear the shooting and that the local authorities (Forest Service and county employees at least) are trying to keep them out of the loop. The funny part is when they did sound measurements in their area the gunshots didn't even register... I don't think they've told anyone there that yet, but I imagine they will soon.

Anyways, I digress. Here's a letter to the editor from a concerned resident, with my subsequent comments:

"The Troy Shooting Range project has just come to my attention, I am against any such project.

As far as I know, none of the residents of Kootenai Vista, that lays just a few hundred yards up stream from this proposed site for this tax-guzzling black hole, know about the project. Why have none of Kootenai Vista's residents been notified of this proposed project?"

Ok, here's the logical thing to do: Contact the county office and get the full details on what's going on, rather than getting the info second hand from your friends, before spouting off like most of the idiots around here do. It's a lot like high school, where getting info directly from the source makes you seem infinately smarter. Not that people seem to learn that lesson there either...

"The proposed project will benefit only a few people in our area and at a high maintenance cost to our tax dollars."

Oh, right. Because the population of the greater Troy area aren't hunters. Silly me.

"Dollars, that could be better spent on an underground range like most other communities have for their law enforcement. An underground shooting range would be accessible all year and closer to those who would use it."

Oh, yes! That's it! An underground range for where 98% of the users will be rifle hunters! And let's make it 200-300 yards long while we're at it, seeing as that's about the average distance it takes to sight in a rifle properly. That's perfectly feasible, because hell, who DOESN'T have that sort of space to spare?

As he so eloquently points out, underground ranges are for law enforcement (and Bubba, the local inner-city gun nut). And I'm quite sure their weapon of choice is a pistol, not a .306. Practicing in that short of range for deer is the same as a police officer training to shoot border jumpers at 250 yards with a 9mm.

Contrary to popular belief, Montanians aren't normally "close ehnuf ta see da whites in der eyes" when they go deer hunting.

"The proposed project will only disrupt the lives of the residents living in the area..."

If by area, you mean on the same side of the river, then yes, they juuuust might be able to hear the gunshots. Both residents, even!

"...as well as, disturb the peace and quiet that comes from living in the country. Not only that, but continuous gun shots echoing up and down the river will travel vast distances with nothing to block them."

Except, ya know, the hills surrounding the range. And trees, but there aren't too many of those around here.

"If we wanted noise, we would move to town."

No no, if you wanted noise you would live across a river from a train track. And you've got that covered...

"The Southside Road, that would access the shooting range is nothing but a one lane and a very dangerous road to travel - even if not meeting another car coming the other way."

Just like nearly every road in the entire county...

"How about when Plum Creek is running logging trucks down the road? This road is nothing but a mud hole in the fall and spring, a dust bowl in the summer and close to impassable in the winter.

This proposed range will only be open for a few months a year due to road conditions..."

Hey now, that solves some things! Even if you COULD hear it, which it's been scientifically verified that you CAN'T (but since the Forest Service is a branch of the government, they must be filthy liars too), it would only be open 2-3 months at the most! That's barely any time at all. Hell I live "in the country"(2 miles out of town), 150 yards from a gravel pit that operates ALL YEAR and I can cope, even when i'm outdoors. And gunshots don't throw up dust clouds either.

"...and a burden on our already, stretched-to-the-limit sheriff's department and the Troy patrolmen. We have problems getting an officer to Kootenai Vista let alone, to have him off on some dirt road late at night endangering himself for some unwanted shooting range in the middle of the night."

Yeah, a range that'll be in use at the most three months is a huuuuge burden on them. The only problem here is if some moron shoots himself or a friend up there - it's a fair distance to a phone. However, it's no further a trip to help than where most people normally go shooting, which is *gasp* out in the middle of nowhere. If it were any closer, people might actually have a good reason to be upset at the noise eminating from it.

And "Unwanted range"? Yeah, our small county likes to throw money at things that NOBODY wants. Go ask any one of the HUNDREDS of local hunter if they want a real shooting range. I'm sure they'll say no to a free, professionally set up place to adjust their rifles and target practice. Grabbing some boxes with cheap targets pasted on, driving out into the middle of nowhere, and shooting at them while leaning on your truck is CLEARLY a better way of doing things...

"It is alarming to us that a shooting range of this magnitude would even be considered in our area. With the amount of waterfowl and large game that reside in and along the river. Such a project is beyond our understanding."

Good! Then you can kindly close your trap until you understand it!

"Why and who would propose such a disturbing venture to disturb our lives, and the wildlife that lives with us."

Good God, by this point i'm wondering if this person dropped out of high school given their demented understanding of punctuation usage (at least they can spell correctly for the most part)...

"There is a pair of eagles that nest and fish this very area on the river. We see them every day across the river in the trees hunting. What is going to happen to this pair of eagles when all the shooting starts?"

They'll keel over and die while screaming and convulsing in bloody agony!!

The eagles will move, genius. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure they can find prey along other parts of the river. Nature's funny that way. It like, adapts and stuff.

"There is some reason for this project that is not being seen by the public and being kept under cover by the people or persons behind it."

Well, i'm glad he made the distinction between people and persons...

And yes, this project wreaks of a cover up! No doubt it involves the illumanti, the secret UN invasion, and lizard people! The greys are probably keeping out of this one, as they seem to favor the southwestern climates (Montana is a bit chilly to them).

Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, the reason behind this shooting range is that people WANT A PLACE TO PRACTICE?! Just a thought...

"How would these people like a range in their back yard?"

I think he needs some basic geography lessons...

"If they say yes, then they are not our people to have in office in Lincoln County. They should move to Seattle, and enjoy their life of misery."

Yeah, them damn city-folk! With their... fancy shooting ranges!

"We want it known that we oppose this shooting range and any other developments that will change the tranquility of our neighborhood and the wildlife that lives with us on this calm and quiet country area."

And so it shall! Congratulations! You've made yourself look like a complete dunce in the local newspaper, and between your letter and the one below it by Dan Waters, you made my night.

Thank you!

Leben das Revolution!

2005-03-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

I guess "Viva La Revolucion!" is the more popular phrase, but to be honest, I hate the French language, and German is cooler anyways. Putting it in English defeats the purpose altogether... You can't just walk around saying "Live the revolution", it sounds moronic! But when you put it in a foreign language, especially one like French, your social status is automatically upgraded from locker stuffing fodder to "hip."

Anyways, the point:

I started this site with the intention of "chronicling" the stupidity in my immediate area. This has proven to be a bit of a challenge, which is something I didn't think was possible. It's not that there's a lack of stupidity in general here, just specific things I can rant about. It'd be a bit boring if I constantly updated "person x can't type for shit" (where x, insert 95% of Troy High school, or 99.9% of Troy Jr. High) or "so-and-so said something hideously dumb today". Nope, I've gotta have something that leads off into 6 paragraphs of me ranting and raving, likely pissing somebody off in the process.

Thus, I'm expanding my horizons. Whatever I see, be it on the news, internet, or locally, I'll take it into consideration now. I didn't before, because for some ridiculous reason I adhere to guidelines I give myself. "They" call it self-discipline, but I call it an easy excuse not to update.

Good day.

"Life sucks, get a fucking helmet."

2005-03-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

I think Denis Leary is onto something there...

A couple months ago I wrote a rant that mocked suicidal people. However, I'm beginning to question our local school system's teaching methods nowadays, because it seems that many kids from my area who viewed it either can't read very well or have a rather short attention span.

So, I dedicate this post to those people.

Let's get the specifics out of the way first:

1) I don't care what the details to the story are, because frankly, they don't matter. The point of my rant was to mock suicide itself, which brings me to number 2...

2) Grab a piece of paper and pen kids so you can take notes! Only in the introduction do I even mention your little friend's sad existence. Even then, I mock the method, not the person. And the rest of the rant is *GASP* not about him or as far as I can tell, the type of person he is. It's about the "show off" suicidal people, who for the most part don't even live in this area. In fact, the inspiration for that rant came from forums filled with said types of people, and after the first two paragraphs I never gave him a second thought. So rest assured, I could really care less about the kid.

3) I even suggested he should talk to someone if was suicidal! Hell, he has obviously has friends and I'll just assume they have the mental capacity to listen to him (a dangerous assumption, I know). But I guess you missed that since you were too busy thinking up some half-witted angry response to me because I DARED to make light of suicide. Ooooh, damn me! Damn me to straight to the fiery depths of hell!!

4) "You don't understand!" I love this line, especially when it comes from people who've never even SPOKEN to me, much less know anything about me. How could you possibly comprehend what my life is like compared to his when you've never even met me?

You can't, so I'll enlighten you: I appreciate the fact that I have loving parents who are both alive. Now having said that, just because my environment is a good one doesn't mean I'm ignorant to reality. Has it clicked in your head yet that the world is a shit place, humanity is one giant flaw, and there's probably nothing beyond this life to look forward to? I doubt it. But it has in mine, and I'm not being naive towards it in the slightest.

Why is this important? Because being able to deal with the facts of life shows intelligence. Let's say there's a kid who, completely sober, decides to take his own life because he feels alone. He didn't have a grasp on reality. How can I tell? Because if he did, he would've realized that life can and WILL change if you put effort into it and you don't dwell on all the bad things that've happened. TRY HARDER.

People who simply can't comprehend that really don't have a place here. So maybe in a way I do approve of suicide: If you realize you're weak minded, getting rid of yourself furthers the human race. And I like team players!

Look dammit, there was a larger point to that post. In case I haven't spelled it out enough for your feeble little mind already, here it is again: When you mock something, it can bring to light how dumb it actually is. Somebody possessing any level of intelligence, but somehow feels suicidal, would realize that it's a stupid act of selfishness after reading something like my rant.

Only a complete idiot would've taken it seriously. So if you did, I salute you. And remember, walking into oncoming traffic is a bad idea!

Public Service Announcement

2005-03-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

Do you have an infant? Are you planning on bringing it to a memorial, or some other event where the audience is expected to be silent and respectful?

If the answer is yes, I'd like to suggest the following options before taking your biological noise box anywhere:

Product #1

Product #2

Have a nice day.

The burden of goodbye

2005-02-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a moment out of the usual again (I'll try not to make this a habit) ranting/mockery for something entirely serious, so bear with me...

Yesterday something quite tragic and unbelievable happened: Mr. Groff (our high school English teacher) was killed in a car accident.

If it had been anybody else I wouldn't bother posting anything here. But Groff was different. Damn near everybody loved him and his classes. Not because they were easy, and not because your daily work was limited. It was because he made it fun. It sounds like a cliche, making learning fun. But Groff did it. He gave you a reason everyday to want to come to school. I had exactly one semester with him and never have I laughed so hard inside a classroom, while in the same period of time learned so much. He could stand there, talk for an hour straight, and not once would you feel bored. I looked forward to his lectures/notes, no matter what the topic was, because it was always hilarious and usually thought-provoking.

I'd be lying if I said he taught me everything I know about writing, and I can't stand when people patronize the dead for something they clearly didn't do. But if Groff hadn't arrived when he did, at a time when I had just finished 3 straight and fairly boring stories for short films, I may have lost interest in writing. He encouraged your writing, no matter if it was bound to offend somebody, so long as you were being honest. His class made me realize that it's something you should have fun with, and it's not always to be taken seriously.

Groff wasn't a teacher to most people, though he may have "taught" them. He was a friend. I've never known any "teacher" who could just stand around with a group of students at lunch break, crack jokes, and make the lot of them laugh their asses off. He was a big kid, he really was (another cliche, but it's so true). Hell, he even got a kick out of this site and encouraged me to write more here.

It was so unexpected you don't know what to say or quite how to feel. I sat in the auditorium (possibly the only intelligent thing our principal has done all year was NOT announcing it over the PA system) amid the dead silence of 190 or so kids, and there was a moment where I tried to wake myself up. It didn't feel real. And once it sinks in you look for something to blame, someone to point a finger at, but you can't. Life is full of random events, and every so often one will be a horrible twist on reality.

Every interaction you have with people dictates their feelings towards you. It's so obvious that half the population doesn't realize it. Groff did. He cared about his students, and always greeted my classmates and me if we passed by in the hall or anywhere else in town. It's such a small, subtle gesture that we all take for granted until we're given the benefit of hindsight.

We never took Groff for granted, and we'll never forget the good times we had with him.

RIP,
Eric Groff.

Seeya on the other side.

Pointless additional features... Check.

2005-02-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

If you look over to the right, just above the two image links on the side bar, there is a link to a forum.

I decided comments under individual topics are fine, but for broader discussions (complaints) regarding the site or anything else, I figured: meh, why not? It's free.

You can post anonymously or register. Check it out for slightly more details.

Fun with a scam artist!

2005-02-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

This has been sitting around for a couple months, but I figured I could post it here. Back in October one of those Nigerian scams (more info on them here) was sent to my parents. Being the kind-hearted person I am, I referred “Dave” to my email address instead. His responses aren’t especially interesting, but my messages should prove entertaining. While i've deleted his email and site addresses, all spelling and grammatical errors are his own.

So kick back and enjoy (this is quite lengthy). We start with the original message:

SIR DAVID THOMPSON:
NO 33 ADELAO ODEKU STREET,
VICTORIA ISLAND.
LAGOS.
CONFIDENTIAL EMAIL: [deleted]
Homepage : [deleted]

Dear Associate,
Compliments of the season. It is indeed my pleasure to write to you this letter, which I believe will be a suprise, as we are both complete strangers. I am Sir David Thompson an accountant. I am the personal accountant to Late Ms. S. Marufu, MARUFU CONSULT INTERNATIONAL, who who perished in Egypt air Flight 990 with the whole passengers aboard on 31st Oct 1999.
(http://www.greatdreams.com/PassEAir990.htm)
Before her death on the 31st oct 1999 my client {Late Ms. S. Marufu} as she likes to be addressed, who was a one time secret agent in transfering of money overseas for the Late head of state of Nigeria Late Gen.Sani Abacha deposited the sum of USD$6.5m [Six million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars] in a Bank in here for herself, with the hope of transferring it to his country as soon as she is on leave.
Since her death I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful. I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Bank where this huge deposits were lodged. Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had a deposit valued at about USD$6.5m [Six million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars] has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confisicated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the the relatives for over 3years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at USD$6.5m [Six million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars] can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money.
There are necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement
that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Please get in touch with me through my confidential email address as thus: [deleted] to enable us discuss further. Don't forget to include your tel/fax numbers and your contact address while replying this mail for easy
communication.
Best Regards,
SIR DAVID THOMPSON.

Date: Thu, 14 Oct 2004 19:57:12 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: “David Thompson”

Hi!

First of all, I must apologize for the slight inconvenience, but my other email account has not been working properly lately. Your email (attached at the bottom of this message, in case you forgot who I was), which I am immensely fascinated with, made it to me through what was obviously divine intervention!

Please respond to this address if you are still interested in making this deal happen, and my current situation doesn't complicate things. I could really use a cool 6.5 mil. I mean, its like they expect you to be a damn millionaire to buy good acid these days...

From: "David Thompson”
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 14:45:44 +0800
Subject: RE: MY DEAR

Dear Chris Balboni,

Please, find below the application form for account closure. Copy, fill and send it to the bank via email. Email address: [deleted]. This is to notify the bank of your intension to close this account as the next of kin and the beneficiary of the money left behind by late Ms S. Marufu. Do forward this application to the bank immediately.

Time is of essence to this transaction. As soon as this application is sent do notify me.

God Bless Us All.
Sincerely
Barrister David Thompson

Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 15:58:27 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson”

Hi again!

Out of sheer boredom and complete lack of a social life (after all, where I live, the only things to do are bang sheep and get trashed), I went back and re-read your first email before I filled out the application. I was a bit puzzled by the following line:

"Six million, five hundred thousand United States Dollars can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money."

I'd love to share the money with you, but i'd like to know something about you before hand... I mean, i'm not just going to GIVE OUT money to people I barely know!

So tell me, what're you like? Do you enjoy a good romp through the park decked out in camouflage all the while shouting "Charlie in the trees!!!" as I do? Maybe you enjoy flogging a dead wildebeest occasionally, as I hear that's quite popular over yonder. What floats your proverbial boat? Just tell me something about yourself, and if I like what I see i'll fill out the application immediately.

As you said, time is of the essence. And it’s been almost two weeks since my last good trip so i'm kinda flaky right around now. There's just something calming about schizophrenic manatees from Alpha Centauri talking to me about the complexities of quantum theory. Its like... well, you know what I mean.

I'll be eagerly awaiting your reply!

- Chris

Date: Mon, 18 Oct 2004 19:55:40 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson"

Sup Dave!

I haven't heard back from you in quite some time. This was beginning to worry me, so I sent off the application DESPITE you not getting back to me with info about yourself [*]. It has all my info in the correct places, except I don't have a fax so I didn't bother with that particular field. That, and my imaginary fax machine is broken.

I'm serious, this whole week of acid-deprivation is causing a plethora of problems! Not only is my fax broke, but my friend Steve just up and disappeared, which sucks because I loved talking to Steve. Although i'm not sure my "real" friends liked me doing so... Maybe it's because he's an Ethiopian and they're all racist pigs, but I think it's more because they're jealous he's invisible. Plus, my pet llama was eaten by a cactus this afternoon! That really sent me into a rage. I'll hunt that bastard overgrown plant to the ends of the earth if I have to, but he'll pay. Oh, he'll PAY!!!!

So anyways, get back to me ASAP once you've confirmed my papers are in order. I'm very anxious to make this deal happen.

* = I didn't actually send him anything.

From: "David Thompson"
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 2004 15:44:53 +0800
Subject: RE: MY DEAR

Chris,

I can not understand what actually you are talking about.

Call me on 234-8033888029 or let me have your telephone number.

Thanks

Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2004 14:58:54 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson”

Dave, my main man!

Well hey, I may be clinically insane, but i'm quite sure I was very clear when I said I had emailed you my application with the appropriate info (sans the fax number; i'm working on fixing my machine but my imagination has been a pain in the ass lately) to the email address you specified.

As for the phone number, well... I don't own a phone per say. I prefer to speak only through email and telepathy to most people. I reserve "vocal" communications for conversations with my food and various wildlife (squirrels, birds, badgers, etc.), so that kinda puts a damper on your idea I guess.

Although I do I hope your speaking abilities are better than your typing abilities, which are somewhat akin to a six year old retarded quadriplegic's. But absolutely no offense intended!

So what's the status on my application? Didn't you receive it? I'm anxiously awaiting your broken english...

- Chris (some call me... Snowflake)

Date: Fri, 5 Nov 2004 19:33:33 -0800 (PST)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson"

Dude, Dave!

You haven't contacted me in days...

Where the hell are you? Please respond. I'm still anxious to get this deal done.

- Die Schnee Flocke (Aka, Chris)

Date: Sun, 14 Nov 2004 19:44:38 -0800 (PST)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To:"David Thompson”

Dave,

You have not responded to me in many days. I'm worried about your well being, and our deal. Please contact me as soon as possible so we can get this done.

I've worked out some of my more severe mental issues, so my messages should be more intelligiable now. I promise!

- Chris.

From: "David Thompson"
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 2004 13:28:57 +0800
Subject: RE: MY DEAR

Dear Chris,

Please call me on 234 8033888029[*]

Thanks
David Thompson

* = These numbers are a scam as well. They're long distance numbers that you can't hang up on. Not quite sure of the details, but i'd advise against dialing them (no shit, eh?)

Date: Sun, 21 Nov 2004 19:22:28 -0800 (PST)
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson"

Dave, my main man!

You're alive! I'm so happy I could... Well, we won't even go there. Anyways, I explained quite clearly earlier that, for very logical reasons, I do not own a phone.

Come on Dave, work with me here! And what happened to the application I sent? Shall I resend that bugger? It's no trouble, but I would like to know if you received the first one.

Thanks again!

- Die Schnee Flocke (Aka, Chris)

P.S. I must apologize for my earlier, slightly insane messages. As I said, my acid supply ran dry and I was a bit nutty. Alas, all is well! I beat the hell out of a hobo and grabbed his stash, so I should be good for a couple weeks.

From: "David Thompson"
Date: Thu, 25 Nov 2004 14:38:19 +0800
Subject: RE: MY DEAR

Dear Chris,

I got your mail. Please resend the application to the bank through there email address “[deleted]”

Thank you.
David Thompson

Date: Sat, 04 Dec 2004
Subject: RE: MY DEAR
To: "David Thompson"

Yo Dave!

I just sent my application to the email you specified. However, I must point out two things: One, my real name is actually Gelb Schnee Flocke. My brother/dad (kinda depends on how you look at it) was a German underwater hydrochemist, and I use the name "Chris" because, well, you just don't run around calling yourself Gelb. Thus, I used "Gelb Schnee Flocke" on my application.

And two, won't I need to provide my bank account number? I'm more than happy to give you that, just like i'm more than happy to give friends and coworkers syphilis!

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there's any sort of problem or questions regarding my application!

- Gelb S. Flocke (aka "Chris”)

[The following was a template Dave sent me with blanks for my personal info, which I filled out accordingly.]

APPLICATION FOR ACCOUNT CLOSURE =========================================

I hereby apply for the closure of Account No.10009000016459 belonging to late Ms. S. Marufu. I am the next of kin to the above aforementioned name and the beneficiary of the funds with the account Number stated above.

I am requesting that Account No. 10009000016459 be closed and the funds transferred to me.

Full name: Gelb Schnee Flocke

Address: Sub-level 8, Forward Area U.N. Facility, Yaak, MT.

Profession: Thermonuclear gynecologist

Age: 42

Telephone: N/A

Fax: N/A

I will be grateful if this application is granted. Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

Gelb S. Flocke (Beneficiary/Next of Kin to Late Ms. S. Marufu)

Haven’t bothered taking it any further since I pretty much give away that I’m messing with him in my application (and it's been several months). It's fun to note, though, that people have fallen victim to scams just like the above and lost tens of thousands of dollars in the process. And yes, if I knew any i'd be more than happy to mock them here.

I would like to acknowledge www.thespamletters.com, not only for the sheer brilliance of his replies, but since they served as an inspiration (read: I ripped it off). If you liked the stuff above then definately check that site out; he gets some amazing replies out of the scammers (including threats of voodoo).

The darker side of nonsense...

2005-01-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I ripped that title off of a 4 year old nu-metal album. Sue me.

This post isn't the standard fair of mocking whatever I find dumb (and leaving plenty of holes in the argument while doing so; see previous rant for a shining example). It's not a shitty daily analysis blog post, nor is it a political rant.

So what the bloody hell is it, you ask? Read on...

People have this wonderful ability to shut themselves off from reality. And while it's fun for short periods of time, living your life while doing so is a horrible waste. These are the people who ask "why do we have to fight?" during wartime, in some pitiful attempt to sound deep and thought provoking. They're the ones who cry in horror when tragedy strikes, like it was something unfathomable. They're the ones who refuse to entertain the thought of any of the less desirable things in life, and they're the ones who turn to religion, astrology, or any number of crap ways to find meaning.

Then there's the opposite: Those who don't turn to overbearing father-figure for answers (which people who do don't get anyways, but seem to enjoy pretending to), who aren't affected in the least by the pain and suffering of the world despite paying attention to it, and who are more likely to think of something wretched than of something good.

Being a part of the latter I'd love to think it's better, and I do, for the most part. But at a certain point you begin to wonder if it's healthy. I think it depends on the person, so let's take me as an example: I began to disown my religion (Christianity; could be worse I guess, at least I wasn't raised Mormon) around 14, and I saw my first picture of real, graphic violence when I was about the same age. I saw more in the week following (by my own consent, and not that of some jackass in a comp lab), and it shocked me. I think that was the last time I ever felt "shook up" by something... Three years later, in the spring of last year, one of my friends (Keith; there, happy?) who frequents totse discovered gore videos. It was a post that pretty much listed off links to the most horrible things you can think of: Impalement, animal cruelty, children being destroyed in Africa, shootings, cooked babies (ok, some of these were fake) and finally, beheadings. After about a day of damn near begging me to watch one of the beheadings, I finally did. It shows, from start to end, the decapitation of a Russian prisoner by a group of Chechyen rebels. And my reaction? Hmm, looks like an animal being slaughtered. That, and "oh, so blood doesn't so much shoot out of the neck as it 'flows' from it" (that would be the filmmaker part of my brain). After watching it all a couple more times, I worked up the courage to download the other one a couple weeks later. It had sound. Actually, it's probably one of the more infamous clips on the internet... Same principal as the other, except it's shorter, the camera is much closer (No more than 3 feet from the face), the man being killed is at most 25 years old, and you can hear him screaming as the knife goes in and cuts its way out. Nothing. No psychological effect. At least other than "Ouch."

At this point you might be questioning me as a person, and I really wouldn't blame you. I've watched countless videos like that since out of sheer fascination over the transition from life to death, and the fact that people actually record it. I realize it can't compare to actually standing there, seeing somebody you've known for years die while screaming in vein and I wouldn't want it to, but it's much closer than having never seen death at all. And for all that, I've learned a couple of things: One, I'm never, ever visiting any 3rd world former Soviet Union countries, and two, that desensitization is a handy thing to give yourself. It let's you focus on the real issues, rather than running about in the chaos.

So which is healthier? It doesn't matter. I'd rather see the world for what it is than lying to myself, saying all can be fixed in time. Why do we fight? Because we're flawed. Humanity is the definition of imperfection. No matter how good things get, there's always that darker side that never goes away. I'll think about what a person will look like after a bomb explodes, what they'd sound like as they're being decapitated, etc. for the rest of my life, and I accept it. It makes life that much more interesting.

Dwelling on the bad things isn't any way of going about your business, no. And I don't pretend to always be thinking of this crap (I'm not a fucking emo kid; not that it matters, as most of them can't grasp anything bad outside of their own miserable suburban life anyways). But you shouldn't shun it, either, because sooner or later something terrible will happen and you won't be able to cope.

Desensitize yourself.

And with that, this ridiculously long, semi-self-analytical post comes to an end. I know deeply uplifting posts like this always brighten people's day, but I'll try to refrain from making any more like it. Too much thinking.

Ow.

Country music... Yeehaw!

2005-01-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

I love music. In fact, it's one of the few things in life that I can say without any doubt I fully enjoy. I mostly listen to metal, and by metal, no, that does not mean Slipknot (check profile). I also enjoy some more progressive-type rock like Porcupine Tree and Pink Floyd, the occasional industrial band, hell I even like Bela Fleck (which is jazz/bluegrass as best I can categorize it). So I have a pretty open mind when it comes to music, except for rap, which I won't even bother getting into right now.

But why rant about country? After all, "stupid" music is just an opinion.

Yes, it is. But music written by and marketed to STUPID PEOPLE is a very real phenomenon which I shall further explain using country as an example.

First and foremost, I listen to country a good 6 hours a day, 3 days a week on average. That's right: Unlike most jackasses making snap judgments of entire genres of music, I've actually heard MORE than enough of it to form an opinion. That's because I work at a store whose radio is always tuned to the country channel, and there's no hope of changing it.

So what is it about country that I find so excruciating? Mostly the lyrics... I mean, it's hard to concentrate on the rest of the music, given that it's market is 13+ rednecks with no real attention span. I may have no musical abilities, but it doesn't take much to notice this is crap. There's no variation in the drums, none. And every single song has the same annoying "twang" to the guitars (the "defining" point of country music, I guess). Even rap songs, despite being produced mostly by electronics, have far more variation between artists in the actual beats, and the same can be said for most every other genre I've heard.

But back to lyrics... Song lyrics can be thought provoking, inspiring, witty, or any number of things. Country lyrics will have none of that nonsense. Nope, the writers are very keen on limiting themselves to the following:

- Self pity
- Honky tonk (no clue what it is, but apparently, it's quite enjoyable)
- Thinkin' of yoOo
- Bein' lonesome
- Theirs trucks. Aw, spin 'em!

Oh, but let's not be too open minded here. Let's make all the guitarwork sound pretty much identical, and of course, drumming as mind-numbingly simple as possible. And there you have it, country music! Yeeehaw!

I was considering saying that lyrics don't have to be serious, and there's nothing wrong with a little fun. Well, the fact that I can count on exactly one finger all the serious, mildly thought provoking country lyrics I've heard steers me away from that direction. And that one song was Hurt, which was written by Trent Reznor of NIN, which is... Well, certainly not country. Oh, I'm sure if I dug deep enough into "underground" country (I can't stick those two words together without laughing) I could find some deep thought, but you know what? The average nu-metal and emo songs I hear on MTV or any rock radio station are better written than this trash, and I quote:

"I'm a Chevy girl."

Well, I guess it's easier than beating around the bush about stating you're a redneck and showing you have writing skills slightly below those of the mentally challenged, all in 4 short words.

I kid you not, that is a real lyric. I even googled it just to make sure I wasn't in some sort of hallucinatory state induced by the mind-numbing work that is moving small, colorful objects around a large building for six hours. And I give you that example because that's the gist of most of the crap that's spewed out of their mouths. The context of the song doesn't even matter and in fact, it makes matters more laughable. I'll refrain from posting the full length of the song since I don't need a damn influx of the one's who have somehow, against nature, managed to master google.

Ah, country. The figurative dump on the face of music.

Oi, you there! Yes, you!

2005-01-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I know that at least two people for sure read this site semi-regularly (ha! That's right, a fanbase which I won't even bother going so far as to call loyal, of two people!!), so to those two people and the occasionally odd visitor who wanders in here as a result of some embarrassing google search, comment! You think I write these damned-long winded rants because I don't want any feedback/angry, demoralizing observations on my thoughts?

Well, you're right. But comment anyways.

And secondly, what do you get when you combine a bored, wannabe filmmaker/editor with an addiction to online FPSs? You get this: A video combining footage I captured while playing Call Of Duty: United Offensive with Megaherz's song "Kopfschuss." Enjoy.

A note on the video: I have a fairly limited knowledge of the German language. When I first got the idea for doing this, I didn't know kopfschuss had any meaning other than the most literal one: "headshot." But apparently it's specific to suicide, and I would assume doing so with a gun (and in the off chance somebody fluent in German is reading this, feel free to email me). So in one sense, the video makes sense: You see a head shot everytime "Kopfschuss!" is said. But in reality, it really doesn't. So take it for what it is: A collection of clips with me kicking ass (I don't always die right after it cuts! I swear!) in UO put to some really nice german hard rock.

Well, I may have another rant in the near future. Or maybe a serious post. Whatever the case, I'd just as soon not post than resort to typical "blogger"-esque posts, i.e. "I ate cornflakes for breakfast. They were good. I talked to Bob. Bob is funny. I like Bob." or "I got shoved into a locker today. I didn't like it. I'm going to cut. Waaa."

Actually I think the latter is more of a livejournal thing, but whatever. Enough rambling.

2004: To review...

2004-12-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

So it's New Years eve, and I feel an obligatory listing update coming on. I need somewhat of a break from my cynicism before I go plunging head-first back into it... That, and I didn't feel like making any sort of original post at the moment. Anyways, lets get the standard awards out of the way first:

Albums:
Rammstein - Reise, Reise
Modest Mouse - Good News For People Who Love Bad News
Nightwish - Once

Given my love of metal, I find it odd to be listing those albums as the best of the year. But 2004 was not a year for metal, aside from Nightwish. Next year will be a much different story: New releases from Opeth, Moonsorrow, Dark Tranquillity, Soilwork, and FINALLY, Tool. Plus Mars Volta and Porcupine Tree... Hell, all that before summer even. I can't wait.

Rammstein's latest was definately the most impressive of that lot. Instead of doing what their other albums did so well, which was offering up about three outstanding tracks and 8 decent ones, this one was the exact opposite: The majority of the songs are great, with only a few mediocre tracks.

As for Modest Mouse... Prior to this year, i'd never heard of 'em. So i'm the type of person that pisses off the hardcore fans, and makes 'em say "well, the older stuff is way better" and "God! I hate MTV! All these stupid trendy kids like the new album!" And while i've since bought two more of their albums (Moon & Antartica, ...Long Drive...), both of which I think are great, I didn't find either as interesting a listen as Good News.

And as for Nightwish, well... It simply kicks ass from beginning to end, and there's no way i'm leaving it off the list.

Movie:

The Bourne Supremacy.

The only movie i've seen that was released this year actually deserving of any sort of reward, and it's a damn sequel. The Forgotten was cool as well, but the effects were really corny (and when you're dealing with aliens, stupid effects ruin it).

The movie industry is really growing stale, which has been said for years, but it's really starting to show now. Even the Bourne films are taken from novels, and there's far too many sequels and remakes coming out. At least part of the audience is starting to realize it, looking at how insanely well Napoleon Dynamite and Shaun Of The Dead did for indie movies. But I guess all the original ideas have been used up... Unless you count those fangled independent filmmakers. But nobody pays attention to them. What could they possibly contribute to... Er, wait a sec.

DVDs:

LOTR: Return Of The King Extended Edition. 4 hours long (fun fact: the credits are half an hour long. I wish I were joking, I really do...), and not one moment of boredom. No film i've ever seen has done that.

Predator 2 disc edition. Sadly, it took about 4 years and a shitty "vs" movie to get this out in the US. Most of the extra features were on the South American release of the DVD some time ago.

Games:

Half Life 2. Have I beat it yet? Nope. Played longer than 3 hours? Nope. Have a computer capable of running it at full detail? Not a chance. And it's still made my jaw drop at least half a dozen times.

Call Of Duty: United Offensive. COD + Vehicles = Teh win.

Most Unnecessary Hype: Passion Of The Christ. Know how this stacks up as an actual movie, and not as a piece of religious propaganda? Like so: Lovable hero captured. Loveable hereo tried unfairly. Lovable hereo smacked around a bit. Lovable hero dies. It tries to guilt trip you into realizing how much you allegedly owe to this Jesus character, who essentially said "I don't deserve this... What? You don't care? Well, ok, i'll bend over and take it. But I hope you people feel bad. Real bad." *insert sound of hammering on wood*

The funny thing is, the only people who were truely moved by the movie were the ones who had never seen anything gory before. And if you have, but haven't seen the movie yet, just go to ogrish. The videos are shorter, real, and in most cases, evoke much more emotion & deep thought than watching a storybook character getting nailed to a board.

Best Moment: Upgrading to DSL and gaming at high speed for the first time in my life, and eating away most of my hard drive as a result of the former.

Worst Moment: First person from my town is killed in Iraq on December 23rd, right before Christmas and not reaching my ears until xmas day. He was barely 21, and grew up with my brother (good friends). Still think this war is justified? Fuck you.

Commercial that need to disappear next year: Fanta. Please, make it stop. Pleeease.

TV show that need to disappear next year: Dr. Phil. Remember kids: You don't need to think for yourself when you can let an overweight divorced guy do it for you!

Worst Trend (in my area): Support for Bush because, hey, he's a fucking redneck too.

Second Worst Trend (in my area): Thinking Yellowcard is somehow cool for having an electric violin. This is especially annoying, considering you can barely hear the thing, and when you can, it sounds like crap. And to top it all off, they're pop-punk. Thankfully, this trend ended before the year was out. Want a band that can actually play unusual instruments with talent? Go listen to Moonsorrow or Kayo Dot.

Worst old trend that seems to be making a comeback: Videogames are making your children into violent heathens. I thought this theory died out once most people began to realize that the crime rate for teenagers is actually decreasing (which, oddly enough, is likely due to us having videogames to play rather than beating up hobos and old women in real life; damn physical effort to hell!). Alas, Senator Liebermann appears to be at it again, as I saw two seperate reports on this during the fall alone.

Winners for the dumbest things i've heard all year:
- "I like Bush because he likes hunting and logging and stuff."
- "Why don't they call him doctor Phil then?"

Best bands i've discovered this year: The Birthday Massacre, From Autumn To Ashes (their debut album anyways), Riverside, KMFDM, Modest Mouse, Ensiferum, The Mod Flanders Conspiracy, and Within Temptation.

Most disturbing discovery: Watching videos of death and destruction fascinates me. Couldn't tell you why, either. Well, I could, but that sort of deep self-analyzation is usually reserved for moments of sheer boredom.

Best Item obtained this year: Dell Jukebox 20 gigabyte mp3 player. Hands down, and probably the best thing i've received in the last 2 years.

Well, I guess that wraps it up. All in all, this year was alright for myself. As for the rest of the world... It's only getting worse. 2005 won't be any different.

That's right, screw ending on a positive note. Goodnight, and happy new year.

Suicidal? Would you please just get it over with...

2004-12-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

A kid in my area recently tried to commit suicide via slitting his wrists, which didn't work out too well, given that he's still alive and all.

First of all, the fact that he "cut" is rather pathetic. Is it so hard to get a gun in fucking Montana? Hell, most households have a shotgun or two and it's pretty easy to extinguish yourself with one of those to the face. But slitting your wrists... If you want to make a "cry for help," (which is all that method is... You know subconsciously there's a chance you could survive) talk to someone for christ's sake! Don't ruin your family's walls/furniture/carpet you inconsiderate prick. And if you're hellbent on going out by cutting yourself in some way, go for the jugular or femoral artery. You'd impress a lot more people (me for sure) if you somehow managed to slice open your throat through your own willpower. But at least he actually tried, rather than the pansies who cut for recreation. I give him 5/10 for the effort.

Suicidal people are scum, and I don't mean the ones who actually have issues and just go out quietly (that's at least semi-respectable, though giving up life is still pathetic). I'm talking about the ones who flaunt it by cutting and showing off their scars, brag about their willingness to do it, and seem to get off by mentioning they're suicidal. Get it over with already.

And while you're at it, have some fun! It's the end for you, and if you're at all religious, suicide isn't exactly a key to heaven so it's not like it'll be any worse if you cause some mayhem in the process. Bleeding out takes minutes and isn't exactly comfortable, so a razor to the wrist isn't a very bright idea. Be creative! You're suicidal, remember? Here's some ideas:

- Jump off a particularly tall building and try to land on a hummer. Not only will you have completed your goal, but you'll put the granola driving it out a few thousand bucks. It's a win win situation!

- Find a nice mural in a public area, grab a sawed off shotgun (so you can hide it easily before doing the deed), and proceed to splatter yourself all over it! Just think: A) You'll ruin somebody's day since there would be witnesses (public place and all), B) You'd wreck the mural, causing hours and hours of painstaking labor painting it to be for nothing, and C) It'd forever be "that one spot where that person took a shotgun to their head." What better way to get back at this cruel, cruel world that spat upon you?!

- Make a bomb that you can strap to yourself, and find one of those large propane tanks, preferably near a road. Kablooey! An impressive and fiery spectacle that's relatively painless (provided the blast and not the shrapnel is what kills you) but fun for the whole family, since the majority of your body would be toast!

- Suicide by shotgun (it's obviously the way to go) in the most popular area of your house (living room, etc; something that can't be walled off) , but leave a note! Now, be specific. List names of people and say it's their fault, especially your parents and any close friends, and that your dying wish is they all burn in hell with you for the pain they've caused. Think about it: That kind of guilt-trip combined with the grizzly image of your former head spread across the room would ruin their lives. The bastards...

And now, a brief word on "cutting." It's hilarious, and exactly the same as saying "Hey, I may not have quite enough will power to actually kill myself, but dammit, I can make some really nifty scars on my wrists!" I could give a shit if it's an addiction for some people, too. "Oooh, I started cutting and now I can't stop!" Shut up. There's no such thing as momentary retardation, so if you're dumb enough to start, too bad. Man, you thought your life sucked before? Now you're addicted to giving yourself moronic looking scars! Hey, who knew: Life can be worse.

See what I'm getting at? If you can't handle life and want the easy way out, you may as well make it fun and painless. But please, for the sake of whatever it is you hold dear, don't muck about! If your life is really so painful and hard to bear, won't you want to get it out of the way quickly? Oh, right... The only reason you WOULDN'T go out with an instantaneous "bang" is because your life isn't so horrible, you have some will to carry on, and your claims of being "suicidal" are hypocritical. Somebody should shoot you just for being so astoundingly stupid.

Four more years...

2004-11-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

Onwards, onwards... Into destruction we go.

Stupid Quote #2

2004-10-29T19:22:00.000-06:00

Ok, this is an exception to the rule. I said I wouldn't quote stupid things from TV or any sort of media (seeing as it'd take less than 10 seconds to find such a quote from said sources), but this was too much to pass up:

"[The military operations in] Afghanistan and Iraq will be studied for years for their brilliance." - Dick Cheney.

I have no intention of making this a political blog (if you want one of those, check out my brother's at www.speedkill.org), but that's absolutely the dumbest thing I've heard all year regarding the war. Brilliant? The number of attacks that take place on a daily basis after our mission being "accomplished" flies in the face of any sort of logic behind stating this being a brilliant campaign.

Anyways, I'll probably have more to say regarding the world outside my cozy microcosm of existence in the coming weeks, with the election and everything. If Bush wins... Well, look forward to this page becoming rather cynical, as I'll be extremely pessimistic (more so than already) for... Oh, I dunno, a good four years.

Stupid Quote #1

2004-10-03T20:36:00.000-06:00

From time to time, i'll post a simple, moronic quote that I overheard. Not from television or any sort of media, but in real life. These are said completely serious, no sarcasm or joking. So here's number one (occured last week; yeah, I got kinda lazy with this site)...

"You can get a DUI for anything man... I know a guy who got a DUI for walking. Crazy stuff."

Try wrapping your brain around that one.

Theaters... And why they should require taser-carrying ushers

2004-09-27T22:05:00.000-06:00

Whatever happened to ushers at movie theaters? Was there a collective decision made by people that its a BAD thing to stand around in a dark room making minimum wage, all the while bitching at people to shut up?

They need to bring them back, and give them tasers. Whenever some obnoxious dumbass opens their mouth, ZAP! Thousands of watts of electricity sent through their body inducing a state of paralysis.

And now, the point:

I rarely go to movies. And if you'd bothered checking my profile (or, god forbid, actually know me), you'd see that my primary interest is filmmaking. You'd think an amateur filmmaker who claims to be non-elitist (holy hell!! They exist!!) would venture out to a theater more often.

So why don't I?

My theater has two problems: Low volume (come on, it's a theater; blast it), and it's located in a town where the average joe has little/no attention span. Most people here can't, for lack of a better term, shut the fuck up. Most of the time I can overlook the first problem. However, after my last adventure, I may just wait until whatever it is I want to see hits DVD.

I went to see The Manchurian Candidate. It was enjoyable, as a movie. As an experience, it blew. Here's why:

There's a few types of people that love attending movies who should be shot: The chatty old women; Yes, that's the one guy from that one movie, and no, its not ok to spend 5 minutes trying to think of his name, people who think they're either in the movie, or that the actors can somehow hear them; "Hey, don't do it!", "Its ok, they can't see you", "Ok, I see, I get it", or any of a number of ridiculous reactions to what occurs on the screen; and the "rebel"; the kid who thinks they're cool/hardcore/unique for saying aloud whatever is the exact opposite reaction of what the filmmakers intended you to have.

I put up with types one and three at this movie... Two old women sat behind me, and a moronic freshman sat a couple rows ahead of me. Let's start with type 1...

I always figured old people, usually being senile, are far more likely to attend simple movies. Romantic comedies, "dramatic" finding oneself movies, and anything involving Kevin Costner. Something like The Manchurian Candidate, despite being a remake of a Frank Sinatra film (and most of his big fans are dead/in a nursing home, or have no interest in decent movies), should put them off. Nevertheless, behind me sat two old women who should be at whatever Julia Roberts has crapped out lately. First they tried to figure out who Liev Schriber was ("oh, him..." "what's his name?" "I don't remember"), then anytime the setting shifted they'd open up a brief conversation on what just happened.

What is so damned important that it can't wait at least until the end credits come up? Look, I know you're old and time is especially short for you, but I bet you'll make it out of the theater.

And then there's the pathetic bastard who thinks he's some sort of "rebel" for dramatizing an opposite reaction to the emotional content of the film. For example, the first time an important character dies in the movie, this kid clapped. Annoying, but... Whatever. Second time somebody dies, he exclaims "Haha! She died!". I wanted to smack him.

I'm not the most emotionally attached person; I have a small collection of ogrish videos that I can watch without flinching whatsoever (and if you've ever seen somebody screaming as their throat is being cut away 3 feet from the camera, you'd know that's not a normal reaction). That being said, nobody gives two donkey shits what your reaction is to a particularly emotional part of a movie. Clap, make stupid retorts, the only thing people around you are thinking is "Die." It's a lot like the whole goth culture (oxymoron, since none of them are actually gothic). If you dress in black with dark makeup smeared aimlessly around your ugly mug, claiming to be a poet because you can form a couple depressing sentences, all the while listening to nu-metal or HIM, nobody thinks you're cool. Trust me, nobody is secretly thinking "ooh, they're mysterious and different!". Its more like "Wither away and die, scum".

Attention whores should be shot.

^Look ma, irony!

OMG!!! A GIRL!!! AND SHE PLAYS VIDEO GAMES!!! OMG!!!

2004-09-05T22:24:00.000-06:00

G4TechTv. Great channel. One devoted entirely to the world of technology. Aside from the mind-bendingly bad shows recently brought over from the now defunct G4 channel (why they couldn't STAY dead is beyond me; small children with down syndrome can write better comedy), it's quality programming all around. Especially XPlay, my second favorite half hour on the network (Unscrewed being first).

If this blog were being written by the average viewer under 16, this is the point where they'd start drooling and hyperventilating about how amazingly hot the co-host of the show, Morgan Webb, is.

Thank your lucky stars its not.

Don't watch XPlay? Here's what she looks like. Now I'm all for everybody having an opinion on what's attractive and what isn't, and Morgan Webb is by no means ugly, but is that really something that should inspire mindless obsession? No, no it isn't.

Don't believe that people would obsess over that? Hey, neither did I until almost exactly a year ago...

I decided I'd take this class in school last year, Cisco, which is all about computer networking and the various complexities thereof. It's also a damn hard class and I dropped it despite passing 2 (of the 4) semesters with flying colors. But had I not taken it, I would not have had the pleasure of meeting a certain person with an astounding (and truly sad) obsession over Morgan Webb. Almost everyday, he'd log onto the same website, which can be found here (sort of half working by the looks of it, but you get the idea).

That's right, a website devoted to an average looking, female TV show co-host's hair. Her HAIR. How pathetic do you have to be to actually block out the thought that "I'm obsessing over the hair of a girl that I do not, nor will ever know, and if she ever looked at me she'd pity my poor existence"? And then there's the fact that I recently saw this kid with a t-shirt that says "I love Morgan Webb"...

It's not that there's an above average looking girl hosting a TV show. No, that's pretty much a standard for any network. It's the fact that she's on a show about video games: Something seen as a male dominated hobby. And anytime a girl shows up in such a place they're worshipped for no other conceivable reason than they don't have a dick. Forget other basic human traits, like a good personality, intelligence, etc; They could be spouting off "OMG!! I PWND J00 HARD!!" and they're still treated like a goddess.

Ever been to a forum? Hell, I moderate at one and its the exact same thing. Female member signs up, and 95% of the male members hit on them. And for what? The slim chance that somewhere down the road you'll have a fake online relationship? Or oooooh, better yet, e-sex! w00t!

Speaking of forums, I just checked out XPlay's. Obviously, there's a huge thread dedicated to Morgan Webb. And reading through it, I'm beginning to wonder if some people realize how television shows work with all the comments about "ooh, she's got a nice personality", "I love her wit", "Her sarcasm is my favorite", etc.

There's these amazing devices called teleprompters. Now you see, what these things do (and here comes the crazy part), is they scroll the lines that the personality on screen is supposed to say aloud. Oh, and get this, they were written by someone else who gets paid to write! Incredible, I know. So basically, the only thing you can give Morgan credit for without actually knowing her is that she's quite skilled as a television personality. Other than that, well...

You know that stereotype back in the 80's that anyone involved with computers is a social low life that has a heart attack anytime a girl talks to them? It may be dead, but the type of people who caused it certainly didn't go with it.

A filter for the gene pool?

2004-09-05T21:06:00.000-06:00

If you've ever been to totse, you know that there's an abundance of really, really stupid (and crazy) people out there. A solid number of them are frequent posters on the forums but, occasionally, you see members with some intelligence.

So anyways, I'm browsing the forums as I do almost daily when I stumble across what's easily the best thread I've read in a good year there (whether or not its true is somewhat debatable, but I believe it). Check it out here: http://www.totse.com/bbs/Forum3/HTML/035896.html.

Basically, this member (the gender of whom I'm not sure of, so bare with me) convinces a kid over an IM conversation that he/she's sorry for bullying him, and, knowing he's really into drugs (and not terribly bright), offers a suggestion: Spray raid into a bag and inhale for an amazing high. This kid says his mom won't be home for a few hours, so he goes and finds some, and then logs off to try. After awhile, he doesn't get back on. So the totse member calls his house, and gets no answer. He/she waits until the kid's mom comes home, calls again, and lo and behold: The kid is in a state of paralysis (except for one arm) and lacks the ability to speak. Sirens are heard later on...

Now, if you possess any intelligence whatsoever you'd know that inhaling something as poisonous as Raid is, well, a very bad idea. Obviously this kid was more than a bit shy of being smart. But it got me thinking... Here's stupidity in its purest form: Inhaling poisonous chemicals on purpose. Do you want this person reproducing? Or, for that matter, anybody that's reached the age of 15 and still lacks the very basic knowledge that toxins = owy? I know I don't. God knows how many more idiotic things they could do in their life, including harming others. Hell, they might even end up president. And we all know what happens when incredibly stupid people end up leading a nation... Countries in the Middle East get invaded.

And that's not much smarter than huffing Raid.

And so it begins...

2004-08-22T22:36:00.000-06:00

I know what you're thinking (not really, but for the sake of argument, let's say I do), "Yay, another teenage halfwit ranting about his life. Will this never end?"

Probably not, but that's not what I intend on doing with this page. You see, for a very long time i've lived in this town where half the population (a figure of speech; its way more than half) have no ambitions beyond being a mechanic with a high school education for the rest of their life. This leads to some very entertaining situations, but most of all, rampant stupidity.

Thus, this blog is called into existence. I'll be documenting, and subsequently ranting about, all the blatant stupidity I come across. But I should note this isn't going to be about instances of stupidity. Everybody has brain farts. No, i'll be writing about the people who are one continous example of mental flatulence that should've been suppress long ago (wow, that was clever).

All in all, it should be an entertaining read. So here's to the dawn of another generic looking blog!